Harry Potter and the Dazzling Array of Career Options

It’s fascinating how children’s authors can take the stuff of kids’ dreams – and nightmares – and turn it into books, movies and merchandise licences worth gazillions of pounds. Not a talent I possess myself, to my eternal dismay; I just don’t have the sort of imagination – or writing skills – that could ever manifest themselves in something that people would actually pay to read.Still, life isn’t all bad… I may not be a multi-squillionaire, but I can at least entertain myself by imagining how JK Rowling’s Harry Potter books might’ve turned out had the boy wonder decided on a rather more pedestrian career than “being a wizard” (ha – I’d love to see that on the national curriculum)…Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Kidney StoneStudent doctor Harry Potter battles against the forces of evil and removes a particularly gritty kidney stone from a philosopher’s vital organs. Aided by anaesthetist Hermione and Staff Nurse Ron, Harry pokes around in the philosopher’s kidneys, searching for the elusive and not-at-all-magical Philosopher’s Kidney Stone.Along the way, the three chums must dodge the evil postcode lottery, help porter Magrid get some manky old swabs into the hospital incinerator without infecting half the hospital’s population with something MRSA, and complete the surgery successfully without falling asleep on the job after being on-shift for 95 consecutive hours.Harry Potter and the Chamber of CommerceYoung entrepreneur Harry Potter, his business partner Hermione and their sexy secretary Ron have an exciting-ish adventure at a Chamber of Commerce breakfast meeting.Negotiating a minefield of unfair Government red tape that purports to help small businesses but actually only helps them fail in the first year, our young heroes take on the evil entity Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs in a battle to reduce corporation tax for businesses with turnover of under £1m a year to 10% of net profits; or as a compromise, 15% with lower Employer’s National Insurance for the first year of trading. And free luncheon vouchers every Friday for all startups.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Cell Block HOur young hero Harry Potter is a probation officer in a tough Australian women’s prison, populated almost exclusively by chavs and wrinklies.Aided by hardened-screw-with-a-secret-soft-heart Vinegar Jubblies Hermione and sultry red-headed governor Ron – on whom all of the inmates secretly have a bit of a girly crush – the trio face the perils of processing unused visiting orders, discovering files in cakes and persuading rioting prisoners to come down quietly from the roof of the prison chicken coop.Meanwhile, evil Minister for Punishing Naughty People, Valdemort, in a feat of devastating cunning and audacity, bribes one of the inmates with ten smokes and the promise of early release to testify that Harry has been inappropriate with her during a gruelling one-to-one “now be a good girl and don’t do it again” session. Will Harry thwart Voldemort’s devilish plan, or will he spend the next ten years on the wrong side of the bars, being Donkey Dave’s bitch?Harry Potter and the Goblet of Beaujolais NouveauxOff licence manager Harry Potter’s reputation hangs in the balance, when he commits the ultimate vintners’ faux-pas and sells a bottle of Beaujolais as a Chateauneuf de pap. Meanwhile, shop girl Ron and burly security guard Hermione, in a completely unconnected plot, set up a honey trap to catch the mystery shoplifter who’s been relieving the off licence of dry roasted peanuts every Monday at about 8 o’clock (or sometimes 9, depending on what time Big Brother is on).As Harry battles to regain his reputation as one who “knows a thing or two about French plonk”, Hermione and Ron discover that the shoplifter is in fact Minerva McGonagall, who is going through a particularly difficult menopause and doesn’t realise that she’s half-inching savoury snacks with disturbing regularity.Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix NightsHarry Potter runs a fairly successful chain of two DVD rental stores in Dudley. Sidekicks Hermione and Ron are PR girls, whose job is to wear skimpy bikinis, too much make up and not many brain cells while they promote Harry’s latest special offers from the back of a milk float on its early morning round through Dudley town centre.In this gripping adventure, Harry inadvertently orders too many copies of Peter Kay’s critically acclaimed comedy series Phoenix Nights, and he – along with his glamorous assistants – must run the gauntlet of postal service cock-ups that cause the returned DVDs to get lost somewhere between Dudley and the distributor’s warehouse in Weston-Super-Mare.Harry Potter and the Half-Cut PrinceHard-hitting tabloid reporter Harry Potter and his two interns – frumpy goody-two-shoes Hermione and sex-hungry man-eating strawberry blonde bombshell Ron – get a sniff of a potentially explosive story that will catapult their careers into the realms of journalistic legend.

For, while interviewing a lesser member of the Royal Family – some sort of fourth cousin, sixteen times removed – the Tenacious Trio discover that one of the top princes once drank four shots of crème de menthe, and consequently had a hangover for a week.Join Harry, Hermione and Ron on their terrifying journey of discovery, where they’re chased and almost savaged by a crazed corgi, don’t get knighted, but then do get knighted when the ‘story’ turns out to be a hoax, concocted by a jealous junior Royal who wants to be King.Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallowed-Be-Thy-Names”Harry Potter – CID,” said Harry, as he pointed his trusty truncheon at the naughty bishop. “You had the motive. You had the opportunity. And now you’re going to pay.”Harry had always wanted to be a policeman, for as long as he could remember. Ever since those days of living in the cupboard under the stairs, when he would pass away his lonely hours by pretending the cupboard was a Black Maria on a high-speed chase after a gang of diamond thieves, joining the force was all Harry could think of.Join Harry and his fellow plods, Hermione and Ron, as they solve the mystery of the murdered vicars in the final Harry Potter adventure, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallowed-Be-Thy-Names.By the way – the butler did it. The naughty bishop was a red herring, thrown in by the author to mix it up a bit.Next week: Lord of the Blings – we delve into the hitherto undiscovered depths of Ali G’s influence on Tolkien’s greatest works. Aiii.